|
Judy
|
 |
« Reply #15 on: July 15, 2010, 07:13:40 AM » |
|
I'm praying for you, Lost. Really, really hoping you pop back in.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
The Greatest Gifts often lie on the other side of fear.
|
|
|
|
LostMyOnly
|
|
« Reply #16 on: July 15, 2010, 10:59:07 PM » |
|
On the drive in from work this evening, I had to fight back tears yet again while lost in the beauty, the dwarfing grandeur and magnificence of the nearby small section of the Rockies. The beauty of the sight was immediately shrouded by sadness as I, once again, told God that my son should be here to enjoy his newfound home, his life. I don't belong here, or ANYWHERE...I have no place or sense of it...I never have known peace or true lasting joy. And NO ONE can tell me otherwise, not even Him. Molested as a toddler, preteen by relatives; raped several times starting at age 15 when my precious virginity was stolen from me; betrayed by so-called friends and fellow church members and pastors; and robbed when all I've ever been is a giver. Abba has been all I've known since a small child and I assumed in error that I was special to Him, that He loved me, and that I would experience goodness in my life. Here I sit...57 years old and empty, yet always giving out, serving others. Constantly robbed of the right to some semblance of normality, such as being a Godly wife and mother...a mother...Til my time ends, I shall be a childless mother, grieving forever the loss of my only son. I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!! I should have never been born.
And I am sorry, but I am incapable of trusting any of you...not even your prayers. If the prayers of others were answered in the YES instead of the NO, then maybe I could dare hope that your prayers would somehow cause Him to say YES. But I have no hope. All hope died when my baby died, every remaining drop of it like all the blood he lost as he slowly bled to death on a hospital bed. I was told that even the mattress was soaked through and the floor beneath him colored; and his spilled blood haunts me every day!
GOD HAS ALLOWED TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
palapala
|
|
« Reply #17 on: July 16, 2010, 02:59:22 AM » |
|
But God understands you because he to watched as his son bled. I so wish you could trust us, I know that I have been thinking of you the past few days since I read your post. I have prayed for you and prayed that you would see that your son would want you to remember him alive and honor that. I know others here on this forum that have also lost their children, some very young and some older like yours. I am sorry for the pain you have suffered in your life but you have raised a wonderful son through all that grief and made him into the person that put someone else's life before his own. I bet your son sees the same beauty you see and he would want you to enjoy it for him. God did not do this, very evil people did this. I pray that you will find some people that have the same grief as you. God does love you and he does not allow this to happen. Your son did something wonderful, two lives were saved by him. I am praying for you and I wish I could be there for you.
Please don't give up...for your son, don't give up
love
Barbara
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
arus
|
|
« Reply #18 on: July 16, 2010, 03:32:38 AM » |
|
You don't need to trust us right now Lost - just stick around and get to know us, then maybe you will change your mind.
As Barbara said, just please don't give up.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
In the cracks of an earthquake, new flowers grow.
|
|
|
|
Judy
|
|
« Reply #19 on: July 16, 2010, 01:08:09 PM » |
|
How long has it been, Lost? Do you have any family left? Tell us about yourself. Do you work?
I care about you. Life does seem very unfair sometimes.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
The Greatest Gifts often lie on the other side of fear.
|
|
|
|
waiting
|
|
« Reply #20 on: July 16, 2010, 01:46:27 PM » |
|
LOST,
I cannot even begin to imagine your pain. but, believe me when I say I have felt a depth of pain that made me so angry, so helpless and soooo fearfull of life. I felt that noone could understand what I was going through. but, what I did learn is that people do want to help. that there are good people out there.
Yes, there are things we may never understand.....I still struggle with my demons but, if you give your self time and patients and seek.... please never stop seeking. one day there will be a very ,very tiny light at the end of your darkness. It will happen.....Stay with us for awhile, say whatever you want ....and ask yourself if this is how your wonderful child wants you to honour his life?
Kathy.xo
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Be with me, walk with me, Papa.
|
|
|
|
justbreathe
|
|
« Reply #21 on: July 16, 2010, 02:23:27 PM » |
|
Dear One,
You have a right to be angry. You have been through so much. There is no one on this earth who can understand exactly what you are going through. Your grief and your pain are personal to you. Though others may have experienced loss, they have not experienced your loss. Even if there are other who are grieving of the death of your son, their grief is different than your grief. So, we can't come here and say that we know how you feel. We can only say that we have experienced various types of grief in our own life.
I am not going to tell you my story right now because my story doesn't matter on this thread, right at this moment. I don't feel that it's what you need to hear. Sometime, if you are ready and want to know or if I feel led, I will share with you my story. Suffice to say at this point, just so you know that I do understand the pain of losing a child, that 22 months ago today I lost my only son. I do have a daughter and I am thankful for her life, but she can't replace my son. My son too was murdered. It was not cut and dry and there are a lot of missing and distorted details as well as questions that will never be answered. Enough said about me.
I also want you to know that I don't come here to your thread pretending to have the answers. There are some things that I don't think I will ever have the answers to. I do want you to know that God is not angry or upset with us when we have questions, when we have anger, and even when we doubt and question Him or Who He is. So know that no matter where you are emotionally or spiritually, God is not angry with you and lovingly hears your heart.
(Cont)
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
justbreathe
|
|
« Reply #22 on: July 16, 2010, 02:29:59 PM » |
|
I too understand the feeling of just not wanting to go on. While I have not considered ending my own life, I have prayed and asked that God just allow me to go to sleep and wake up away from this cruel world and with my son once again. I understand the feeling of not wanting to face another minute of this life. I have made it past that point now, although one never knows if they will go back to that place again when the pain gets hard to bear. I started out by just asking Papa (what I now call my Heavenly Father) if He would give me what I needed for just the next breath. That is how I came up with my name on this forum "justbreathe". Truly there are some days when that is all I can do and I don't even want to do that.
I don't want to "preach" because that is n ot what you need right now. I also understand that you don't trust. You don't have to trust us here in this place. You share what you are able to share and when you are able to share it. It is no accident that you are here and no accident that the people who have posted on your thread have done so.
We want to be here for you if you can somehow find just enough strength to keep reaching out. That is what you have done, you see. By posting here you have reached out to folks you don't know because it is easier to do so in an "anonymous" setting. Good for you for doing so. It took strength to do that. It might feel like it was weakness that made you start this thread, but you will see looking back later in time that it was actually strength.
I will hold you close in my heart.
From one mother with a son in heaven to another,
Tammy
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Judy
|
|
« Reply #23 on: July 17, 2010, 07:10:20 AM » |
|
Tammy, we are so very, very proud of you and we praise Papa for how far you have come.
Lost, Tammy lives on a farm and raises all kinds of animals, mostly sweet little cows.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
The Greatest Gifts often lie on the other side of fear.
|
|
|
|
acceber1
|
|
« Reply #24 on: July 17, 2010, 07:55:37 AM » |
|
Hi Lostmyonly,
thank you for sharing your difficult time with us. the forum has its limits, but behind the words and sometimes platitudes people really do care and really do pray, as I will be praying for you. I find comfort knowing God can handle it when I'm angry at Him. but to know His love in the middle of suffering, if only you could know that soon!
for me the story behind the Shack means more. The man who wrote this story has known abuse from the people who were supposed to know God and be his protectors. His healing and ability to write the Shack is so amazing. When I heard his story I cried and cried. just as I cried when I read how Jesus was abused before his death. the kind of mocking he went through...i could relate to it as I have suffered from spiritual abuse. will be crying out to the Lord for you.
your new friend, Rebecca (ace)
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
I don't have time to regret when I think of how He loves me...oh how He loves....
|
|
|
|
arus
|
|
« Reply #25 on: July 17, 2010, 03:09:09 PM » |
|
I was hoping you would find this thread Tammy, bless you  I really hope you come back Lost. |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
In the cracks of an earthquake, new flowers grow.
|
|
|
|
irishgeorgie
|
|
« Reply #26 on: July 17, 2010, 04:32:05 PM » |
|
Lovely post Tammy,
Hope Lost comes back to read it,
and to stick around some.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
justbreathe
|
|
« Reply #27 on: July 17, 2010, 05:51:34 PM » |
|
Just checking on you.
Tammy
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
Joe
|
|
« Reply #28 on: July 17, 2010, 09:18:16 PM » |
|
Hey Lost... still praying and thinking of you... I could feel the pain and anguish in your words... keep telling us... keep sharing your grief... we will keep listening... Much Love Always joe  |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
waiting
|
|
« Reply #29 on: July 18, 2010, 09:51:55 AM » |
|
Lost,
Thinking of you.....
Kathy.xo
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Be with me, walk with me, Papa.
|
|
|
|
